this is probably my first entry up here.. haha.
Firstly to mark: THANKS!! =DD but guess wad i fell ill on my own birthday. how sad is that. and now i have a pile of homework undone, cuz I had been sleeping for 12 hours + trying to perspire the whole of yesterday =(
and happy birthday to annong!! XDD

here is chenzhen's entry, sent to yanheng and fowarded to yours truly. (and i've been asked to post it up here, of course)

I am not accustomed to writing blog entries. The usual case is replies, long or short, to other people’s comments. However, there are some things too serious, and too lengthy, to be imprinted within a single reply, and I have to source for means to get it out as a post instead of a tag.

I have been thinking long and hard the past few days. Those who noticed, said I was in a dark, brooding mood. Even some who see me only a couple of times a week may have seen the change. For those of you who didn’t, I probably wasn’t that important to you, but don’t worry about it, no offense taken.

Someone once asked me whether I knew how cliques were formed, and what we could do to solve the problem. At that time I did not have any answers for him. Now I do. Cliques aren’t just a group of people closer than with others, it cannot be solved just by sharing a table during recess or lunch break. Cliques stem basically from a very powerful instinct of the human nature: the herd instinct. Something magical happens when you join a group of people, an unlimited sense of freedom. The saying goes “no man is an island”. We yearn for something bigger, a collective effort, because at our cores, the human being is lonely. The feeling of warm acceptance within a group is frightfully addictive. When your individuality is dissolved within the group, that you act in the way the pack directs. “it takes courage to say no” may sound familiar to many people, but it may all that stands between humanity, and the abyss.

I am not saying that all cliques are bad. In fact it can be a double-edged sword. But more often than not, it is this that forms the building block of irrational thought and actions. How many times have you done something just because everyone else is doing it? Have you ever done something seemingly of your own accord, but on reflection, didn’t really have a choice? “everyone has a choice. We always have a choice” is true, but only when we are not bound by the shackles of social life and friendship, which, when you think about it, does not happen very often. I leave you all with this thought in mind, and you must remember why people do not want to join an already well-established clique; they simply do not feel accepted. If you have ever gone visiting relatives and hated it because they keep talking about grown-up stuff when you were younger, you will well understand what I am talking about. What we are going to do about it, or whether we’re going to leave the clique situation as it is, would now be out of my jurisdiction.

I will move on to another topic. It is natural for people to have likes and dislikes, and of course this would extend to other people. You cannot expect me to believe you like everyone, or that you dislike everyone. It just does not happen. What does make a difference, however, is the way you act according to this preference. Relations are relations, business is business. Do not mix the two up; do not let your relationship with people influence your sense of morality. We have often heard of people, recorded in history, as being traitorous, sly and more. Would you gossip and talk bad about a colleague to your boss, knowing full well that what you say could cause him to lose his job, the only means to support his family? Would you set someone up just because you cannot stand him for whatever reason, knowing full well that he is innocent and would irreparably damage his future prospects? If your answers to these questions are yes, I would worry not just about your character, but also the future of humanity as a whole.

Where we may go out of our way to help good friends, I draw the line at being nasty. It has been established that everyone has a sense of morals, a moral code, however diluted it may have become due to external influences. When you see someone committing a crime, we have often been told to take action, not just stand there. But how many of us actually remember that when we are put in that situation? It is all right to have a joke at someone, indeed he may even join in the laughter. But you must realize when the joke has ended. The Rwandan crisis of 1994 started from a few racial jokes, which blossomed into outright discrimination. We have often been warned against making racial jokes and comments, as a prevention to causing racial disharmony. It is not the individual jokes that cause this problem, it is the continued usage of them, long after the humour has dried up. it is like backing a person into a corner with words, and when he has nowhere else to go to, he will fight back with all he has.

When making these comments, I want to believe it is not a strong belief in what you are saying. It stems from the insecurity of your position and how to turn the gun barrel to someone else. A bully does not bully for the sake of bullying. He usually has an ulterior motive, perhaps to hide his own troubles, or divert attention away from his life. Understandably, we are al slaves to our own self-regard.

Why, you say, is it so important that you stand up for what is right, and know when to say “no”? it is, again, the mob mentality. Without any resistance, they will do what they like, and will probably succeed doing it. A deserted factory whose windows are all intact is likely to keep all the windows intact, but once one window is broken, the rest would get quickly smashed by vandals, because everyone gets the feeling that nobody cares. What a difference it would have made had someone patched up the first window, or even the second one smashed by vandals! As the famous riddle goes “Everybody thought Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.” Be that somebody, make some use of the short term on Earth we call life.

Now, I have a confession to make. Prior to writing this, even 8 hours ago, I was struggling to resolve myself to cut all connections and keep mostly to myself, except when approached by others. Why should I go out of my way to help others, get or keep them out of trouble or even offer any comments that could potentially benefit those who would stab you in the back or show hostility towards you at the first opportunity? Those who know me will know that I have a very long temper fuse, that I have a high level of tolerance. Unfortunately, that long fuse is attached to a large explosive. I try to find space in my heart to forgive and forget, but sometimes it gets very difficult, especially, as I have said, when words and actions are on the boundary, or has at times even crossed the boundary of discrimination. And the few times I have blown up, it has caused large rifts with people, sometimes to the extent where I regret it. Human emotion is a funny thing. We appear to have control over it, but most of the time it is subconscious, and our actions are moulded to fit our feeling at that time. Do you cry because you are sad, or are you sad because you cry?

I cannot bring myself to resolve with conviction what I have said earlier. This is largely due, in part, with what I believe in being morally right. Who knows when that aid I denied could help someone get a better outlook at life, or enable that someone to solve some important issue. Of course, many people would point out: you can always break your resolve, fit your action to suit the situation. It might be sound advice, but it is also a very bad philosophy. How will people bring themselves to trust you when you have amply exhibited that you cannot even trust yourself? Trust is an important element in the workings of social life. People will rest easier dedicating tasks to you, when they have full confidence you will carry out the task to the best of your ability.

Another suggestion, brought to me by no fewer than 3 parties, suggested that I keep a smiling façade, brighten up so as to live life normally and not get depressed. That, while keeping up appearances, is potentially very dangerous. When someone is silent you do not know what they are thinking. You do not know if they harbour a hatred for you, or are just to busy at that point in time. A country is in deep trouble if there are large parties of people, angry with each other and yet not talking about it. It is a staging ground, a breeding ground for riots; it is civil war waiting to happen. Same goes for yourself. If you continually keep up a façade, people do not know what you feel, and more important perhaps, you may not realize what you feel yourself. It is like a volcano under pressure. When it erupts, the result is not going to be pleasant.

I have no doubt there are some people who would wish me not to talk to them, indeed even pretend I didn’t exist. I’m fine with that. Whether you view that as a loss or benefit that’s up to you. But I shouldn’t withdraw my offer under any circumstance. From now on, if you do not wish me to intervene, by all means just ignore. But don’t forget the philosophies of life I’ve outlined above, and know that a helping hand will always be extended to you when you need it, simply because it is the right thing to do.